Our Beautiful Angel

"I really wanted to take a few minutes to express my gratitude for the most beautiful spirit that has been in my life.

Carolyn Jude Johnson... just saying her name brings a smile to my soul. I feel like I have told her story a million times, but today is the tenth anniversary of the day her work was done on this Earth, so I thought it would be appropriate to tell it once again.

Can you imagine being so pure that you did not need to be tested in this life? She had such a light about her. She seemed to radiate knowledge and light. I did not realize just how different she was since she was my first child. But I have learned just how different she really was.

She lived a short 7 and a half weeks, but she touched more lives than most people touch in their lifetimes. It would be impossible to describe what that little girl meant to so many people. She brought hope and peace to most everyone she came in contact with. I would not even try to name all of the lives she touched. I can tell you though, that most babies that young have not even met that many people, let alone make such a life changing impact. I know with my other children, they hadn't even met most of the extended family by the time they were two months old!

There are so many stories to tell, but I just want to share my experience as a first time mother to a perfect soul.I was sick most of her precious life. I remember her smell even to this day. I had never spent any time with a newborn, so I thought it was just how newborn's smelled. Now I just know there was something special about even her smell. The smell of heaven. She was such a comfort. I remember so many people that met her, just had to come visit again, just to hold her, to feel that comfort.

She seemed so wise. She would roll her eyes if she didn't want to eat and I was trying to make her eat. I could just hear her say, come on mom as her eyes rolled.

The day she left was surreal of course. I don't know that I need to convey what that was like. In the days to follow, I mourned deeply and would speak to anyone that would listen about the things I was mourning. The life I wanted for her and with her. To do her hair, to watch her grow and learn, to watch her get married and to have children. So many things I was not going to have. I remember a day or two after the funeral I was laying in bed, I had just woken up pretty early in the morning. I could feel every part of her little body on my chest. I did not dare open my eyes because I did not want her to leave me. I could smell her hair and feel her little fingers scrape at my shirt. I layed there with my eyes closed and said goodbye to my precious angel. As her spirit left me I could see her walk away (my eyes were still closed), a beautiful spirit, not a baby but a young woman with a bright smile and flowing dark brown hair. That was enough for me to start to heal. To know what my beautiful angel looks like. I will forever be grateful for her last hug goodbye to her heartbroken Mother. What a precious gift!

Whenever a child is lost, everyone who cares for the parent of that child has a really hard time knowing what to say. Which is understandable because no one wants to be in their place and luckily few really have any idea what you are going through. I heard everything from, "the pain will never really go away" to "it gets so much better as time goes on". I think the hardest thing for me to hear is when people tell me they are sorry. While I understand why they would say this to me, that always hurt the most.

Although the pain is real and hard was the hardest time in my life emotionally by far. The joy I got from her short little life was worth every second. I feel like her wise soul only needed to be here for 52 days. And I am so grateful I spent all 52 days with her. To me if I was sorry for losing her, I would be sorry for having her, and I am not.

I would not give up one single second of her life to take away one ounce of the pain.

I am so grateful that my Heavenly Father trusted me with such a beautiful soul. And I am grateful for the tremendous love and comfort I feel when I think about her. I am looking forward to my reunion with that beautiful dark-haired angel..... " - Lisa Breitling, 2008

Happy Birthday Merlin!!

I am so proud to be Merlin's Mom!!! I am sad to be away on his 10th birthday. We were able to celebrate his birthday before I left. Merlin has always been an answer to a prayer for me. He is caring and wonderful! He is a great brother! I hope he truly knows just how very much I love him.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MERLIN!!!

Happy Birthday Sweet Sweet Angel

11 years ago today I became a Mother. I will forever celebrate the day my precious Carolyn was born!! Every year I get a new plant on her birthday. Unfortunately I can not say that I have been able to keep them all alive but I love to get a new plant to add just a little more life to my home in Carolyn's name. :) I love this one too! The girls helped me pot it just before I left. (Charlene and Zoey) I am so very grateful that I have a guardian angel. Now more than ever! Not for me, but for the children. Bella is comforted in the fact that a guardian angel will be looking after her mommy while she is away. She looks at her pictures often now. Carolyn has found a way to be one of THE BEST big sisters ever!!! I am so very grateful for the role Carolyn played, and is continuing to play in my life, and in the lives of my family!!

Letters From Lisa B

I will not have an address to where letters can be sent to me for about two weeks. As soon as I get one I will send Daniel the address. Daniel will send my address through email to all that are interested. I have provided all the email addresses of the people I thought might write me, so chances are, if you read my blog on a regular basis, you will be getting an email from him. I just want to say that I know letters will be really important while I am gone and I will write as much as I can. I will be sending Daniel letters Daily and I will send him letters to post to my blog at lettersfromlisab.blogspot.com (there is a link located at the top right of this blog for your convenience. :)
I have no idea how often there will be entries but I do plan on sending letters for him to post, so check it out every once in awhile. :) Daniel will be using this blog to post pictures of the kids to keep everyone updated on the life at the Breitling/Nell residence!!

Oh How I Love These Children!!

So there are a few things that I put in place so the kids don't feel like I am gone completely. :) I gave them each a stuffed animal to give them hugs from me while I am gone. (Yes I even got that great big bear for Daniel so that our bed doesn't feel so empty) I also gave them a letter about how I feel about them and gave them something to do for me while I am gone, take care of Daniel, don't torment Merlin, be nice to your sister, that kind of thing. I also gave them their picture above and one of the pictures taken on our Dates. I gave them a journal to write in as well.
They all gave me a really nice necklace with an Angel pendant as a reminder that I have a guardian angel watching over me! A day full of love, a day full of tears. Uncle Steve came over tonight to wish us luck and we talked his ear off for a couple of hours. It was good to just sit and chat and not think about anything else for awhile.
There was a tear filled heart felt "see ya later" (no good byes, because I will be back) from Harrison and Zoey. What a wonderful family I belong to! :) I have SO much to come back to....

Lucky, Lucky Me!!

My Dear Sweet Husband

As you can see the machine at K Mart just kept getting worse as the weeks went on! But they were still a lot of fun to do!!

There is not much I could write right now that won't make me start crying all over again. I am so blessed. I have such a wonderful family. I have Children and Step Children that love me dearly. More than I think I ever understood.

And Daniel? Well that is something I am not sure how to explain! As all of you know, I have been head over hills for this guy since the day that we met. I told everyone that would listen how PERFECT he was!! I said it so much that my family was concerned that I was going to get hurt because no one is really perfect. And okay okay I never thought he was perfect as in could do no wrong and never has. I meant perfect as in he is perfect for me! And I have never thought differently. However, until this past 3 weeks I did not know the extent to which that was true. There are no words to describe what we have been through the last three weeks, but I will say a few things from the bottom of my heart, in more honesty than I knew was possible.

I trust Daniel, not only with my life but with the life of my children.
I am so entirely proud of who Daniel is.
Daniel and I work perfectly together as a team.
I have never felt so loved, so complete.

Daniel-You are my everything. I love you more than words give justice to. Thank you for taking this journey with me and giving me part of you and your life. I look forward to a lifetime of growing and loving with you and with our wonderful children!

Bella Bean

Bella and I did not go on the same kind of date that I took the other kids on. Because of Bella's school schedule I get to spend a lot more alone time with her. I have been very conscious to give her my full attention when we are together. I had Bella at one of the darkest times in my life. She breathed life back into me and gave me the strength to change my life. She looked so much like Carolyn and her temperament was so much like Carolyn's I felt like I was getting a little peace of her back. Bella has always been very special to me for these reasons. She is really independent and thoughtful. I love her so much! I will miss her like crazy!! And I can't wait to get a Bella Bean Squeeze hug from her when I get back!!

I LOVE YOU BELLA!!!

Grandma and Grandpa Davies

Since Grandma and Grandpa were not able to make it to Linda's birthday dinner, I went to see them today. :) The first thing my Grandpa said was directed to Daniel and he said "So, what do you think about Lisa going off to protect us?" Daniel just answered "Proud" What a great family I have! :) I was wonderful to see him, and I was glad to know that I am still not too big to sit on my Grandpa's lap!!

Tonya Neff-Roberts, LCSW

Today we took the kids to see my Counselor, Tonya. We decided it would be a good idea to have someone that the kids could talk to while I am away. They will be going to see her once a week. :)

Her practice is in this small house that was converted to her and her partner's offices. In the basement there are several kid focused rooms. The kid's favorite room was a padded room that had stuffed animals in it. (I think we need one of these in our house, one that we can lock from the outside....j/k) There is a room to role play, and a room with sand tables and lots of little toys so that the kids can tell her what is going on with them by how they make the toys play with each other. There is also an art table where they can color and draw. All of the kids (besides Bella, silly girl :) ) Made me a good bye card. They are very sweet. I will miss these kids so so much! I do feel better knowing that they will have someone to talk to. I am so grateful that Daniel had the inspiration to do this for the Children!

Tonya is now working her private practice full time and is looking for new clients, if you or anyone else you know needs a great therapist, I highly recommend her!

Isn't Linda's Birthday in August?

I have started a tradition of making dinner for each person in my immediate family for their birthday present from me. I do this for a couple of reasons. Mostly selfish ones... lol. I want to spend time with these people... I like them a lot, and sometimes life does not permit me to see them very often. I also love to cook. Especially in a beautiful kitchen like the one my parents have! Another part of my tradition is giving this present about 6 months late or so.... lol. Not on purpose, just the way it happens. In fact, if I was not leaving town, Linda may have had to wait even longer. :) And her poor husband did not even get a dinner this year. My bad. (happy birthday Kevin too. :) ) So anyway, since I will be leaving next week, I also invited both sets of grandparents so that I could see them before I left. (Linda was kind enough to let me steal a little bit of the lime light) Unfortunately, my Grandma and Grandpa Davies could not be there because of health reasons, but we sent some food over there. (Thanks Mom) Grandma Breitling had to be a bit late due to a surgery in the family but it was nice to see her before we left! Grandpa Breitling was able to be there. It was a lot of fun to hear about his experiences in the Army Reserve (something that I did not learn about him until recently) He was also a Drill Sargent! Now when I have a Drill Sargent yelling at me, I can smile inside and know that on the inside he/she is just a sweet grandparent to be! :) Grandma and Grandpa B gave me a small journal to take with me to record my experiences. How perfect was that? :) I hope Linda enjoyed her birthday dinner, she will be due for another one around the time I return!

What's on the menu?

Caramel Apples (made by Daniel)-Pine Nut Cous Cous (made by Daniel)-Strawberry Almond Spinach Salad(Made by Lisa)-Old fashioned green beans(Made by the two of us)- and Pineapple Terriaki Salmon(Made by Lisa). We also had fresh baked wheat rolls. :) We made tons of food and sent Linda with the left overs for her birthday treat.

Lisa's Dishwasher :)

Because of work schedules in the past, this was the first "birthday" dinner that Daniel was able to fully participate in. It was so good to have him there. Not only do I love spending time with him, he comes in really handy in the Kitchen. From prep to cooking to clean up, he was there for me every step of the way!! Thank you Daniel!

Thank you Linda for putting up with your little sis! You have always been there for me and I really appreciate it! :) You are such a wonderful aunt to the kids. :) Thank you for being my friend.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LINDA!!!
(who cares if it is late? it is the thought that counts right?)