"I really wanted to take a few minutes to express my gratitude for the most beautiful spirit that has been in my life.
Carolyn Jude Johnson... just saying her name brings a smile to my soul. I feel like I have told her story a million times, but today is the tenth anniversary of the day her work was done on this Earth, so I thought it would be appropriate to tell it once again.
Can you imagine being so pure that you did not need to be tested in this life? She had such a light about her. She seemed to radiate knowledge and light. I did not realize just how different she was since she was my first child. But I have learned just how different she really was.
She lived a short 7 and a half weeks, but she touched more lives than most people touch in their lifetimes. It would be impossible to describe what that little girl meant to so many people. She brought hope and peace to most everyone she came in contact with. I would not even try to name all of the lives she touched. I can tell you though, that most babies that young have not even met that many people, let alone make such a life changing impact. I know with my other children, they hadn't even met most of the extended family by the time they were two months old!
There are so many stories to tell, but I just want to share my experience as a first time mother to a perfect soul.I was sick most of her precious life. I remember her smell even to this day. I had never spent any time with a newborn, so I thought it was just how newborn's smelled. Now I just know there was something special about even her smell. The smell of heaven. She was such a comfort. I remember so many people that met her, just had to come visit again, just to hold her, to feel that comfort.
She seemed so wise. She would roll her eyes if she didn't want to eat and I was trying to make her eat. I could just hear her say, come on mom as her eyes rolled.
The day she left was surreal of course. I don't know that I need to convey what that was like. In the days to follow, I mourned deeply and would speak to anyone that would listen about the things I was mourning. The life I wanted for her and with her. To do her hair, to watch her grow and learn, to watch her get married and to have children. So many things I was not going to have. I remember a day or two after the funeral I was laying in bed, I had just woken up pretty early in the morning. I could feel every part of her little body on my chest. I did not dare open my eyes because I did not want her to leave me. I could smell her hair and feel her little fingers scrape at my shirt. I layed there with my eyes closed and said goodbye to my precious angel. As her spirit left me I could see her walk away (my eyes were still closed), a beautiful spirit, not a baby but a young woman with a bright smile and flowing dark brown hair. That was enough for me to start to heal. To know what my beautiful angel looks like. I will forever be grateful for her last hug goodbye to her heartbroken Mother. What a precious gift!
Whenever a child is lost, everyone who cares for the parent of that child has a really hard time knowing what to say. Which is understandable because no one wants to be in their place and luckily few really have any idea what you are going through. I heard everything from, "the pain will never really go away" to "it gets so much better as time goes on". I think the hardest thing for me to hear is when people tell me they are sorry. While I understand why they would say this to me, that always hurt the most.
Although the pain is real and hard was the hardest time in my life emotionally by far. The joy I got from her short little life was worth every second. I feel like her wise soul only needed to be here for 52 days. And I am so grateful I spent all 52 days with her. To me if I was sorry for losing her, I would be sorry for having her, and I am not.
I would not give up one single second of her life to take away one ounce of the pain.
I am so grateful that my Heavenly Father trusted me with such a beautiful soul. And I am grateful for the tremendous love and comfort I feel when I think about her. I am looking forward to my reunion with that beautiful dark-haired angel..... " - Lisa Breitling, 2008
